Yeah, that's right. Donuts are cheap and tasty. Stars are really, really far away and burn your hand something fierce when you try to grab them. I'm not saying not to dream big but we could all use a lesson in appreciating things that are well within our reach. So many people lose their appreciation for small things on their big long journey toward fame, fortune and immortality. Why? Because small things are obtainable. Obtainable=lazy and lazy=atrophy and atrophy=death and death scares ambitious people. Only in becoming truly lazy and complacent can one face their fear of death. How do I know this? Because I'm lazy as fuck.
No worries, I'm totally proud of it. I've lived a long and full life. Sure, my life might be filled with things like five dollar paintings of horses, Hershey bars, illegally streamed movies, cat toys, "vintage" furniture, Cook's champagne and pizza but these things make me feel good. Over and over again. How do you think I've gotten through life only having gone to the doctor like, eight times? I might have twenty forms of cancer but I'll never know! I'm too blissfully happy!
We live in a golden age of technology and convenience. Not to mention excellent micro-brews! High definition television makes expensive things like travel totally obsolete because I can see every brick of every monument in every country in perfect, crisp detail. The internet totally surpasses college in it's abundance of information. I can have stimulating conversations with everyone I know via social networking sites and I don't even need to have a boyfriend. I can create one with my computer. One I can check in on every single minute of every day!
It's almost too hard to comprehend how great life is nowadays without breaking a sweat, which I'm not going to do. I can't get my heart rate up too high because I may or may not have high cholesterol (I have no idea). But really, what I'm trying to get at is, if you should fail at your dreams, don't fret!! Being a bottom feeder isn't so bad when the shit that floats down are things like MP3 players, Target pajamas and cookie dough ice cream. Cheers!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Conquering Your Fear of Muffin Ping Pong
Admit it. You're scared. Not just because muffin ping pong sounds like a dirty sex act but you're scared you might enjoy it. It's okay. Just because something is different, doesn't necessarily make it bad. Well, yes it does but muffin ping pong is really not that different from regular ping pong. You just use muffins instead of balls. It's very innovative.
There are advantages as well as disadvantages to using muffins for this game that add refreshing variety and tension. First and foremost, muffins have a different physical makeup than a ball. While a ping pong ball is small and light, a muffin can vary in size and is almost always kind of squishy. Sometimes it will fly apart on contact. Often it's larger size is easier to hit with a paddle but doesn't travel very far. This can work to the advantage of players who prefer a shorter game.
The real brilliance in this revelation lies in the fact that muffins can be a punishment or a reward. Some muffins are fluffy and delicious while others are dry and sandy. It may be fun to offer up a tasty muffin (or whatever is left of it) as incentive to win a match. Conversely, the loser could be forced to eat a very dry muffin. Either way, there is opportunity to laugh at each others' expense and eat food, which are two things that really encompass the spirit of sports.
So, as you can see, there is nothing in this exciting new twist on a well loved classic to fear in the slightest. It's unfortunate that it has not caught on like wildfire in the ping pong community. There is every bit of confidence on the part of it's developers that it will, very soon, because if there is one thing that serious ping pong players show absolutely no fear of, it's fun!
There are advantages as well as disadvantages to using muffins for this game that add refreshing variety and tension. First and foremost, muffins have a different physical makeup than a ball. While a ping pong ball is small and light, a muffin can vary in size and is almost always kind of squishy. Sometimes it will fly apart on contact. Often it's larger size is easier to hit with a paddle but doesn't travel very far. This can work to the advantage of players who prefer a shorter game.
The real brilliance in this revelation lies in the fact that muffins can be a punishment or a reward. Some muffins are fluffy and delicious while others are dry and sandy. It may be fun to offer up a tasty muffin (or whatever is left of it) as incentive to win a match. Conversely, the loser could be forced to eat a very dry muffin. Either way, there is opportunity to laugh at each others' expense and eat food, which are two things that really encompass the spirit of sports.
So, as you can see, there is nothing in this exciting new twist on a well loved classic to fear in the slightest. It's unfortunate that it has not caught on like wildfire in the ping pong community. There is every bit of confidence on the part of it's developers that it will, very soon, because if there is one thing that serious ping pong players show absolutely no fear of, it's fun!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Social Conventions for a Far Away Planet
I woke up stupidly early today so I decided to while the hours away by inventing a planet. This planet may or may not exist but hey, guess what? Thanks to the whole super scientific concept of infinity, BLAM! My planet totally does exist! So deal with that.
Obviously, every planet needs manners. Manners are what keep individuals from enjoying themselves so much that it becomes irritating to others, ultimately resulting in nuclear war. So, what I've gleaned from my existence here on this planet is that social conventions need to embody four major concepts: pretending that bodily functions are a myth, not being too comfortable, only becoming publicly intoxicated while others are too intoxicated themselves to notice, avoiding violence unless you are good at making it look cool. Oh, and we should probably make sex in all it's forms clandestine and shameful too. That's an important one.
I also threw a few rules that parallel some of our more nonsensical contributions like "don't eat with your elbows on the table", "don't drink alone" and "don't wear pajamas on an airplane" just to make sure this whole idea is realistic. I'm sure my planet has it's fair share of behavior policing, judgmental assholes inhabiting it. I mean it is my planet. So let's get on with it, shall we?
RULE NO. 1
Whilst dining, one must always cover the hand they are not using to hold an eating utensil with a bag. If one does not have a bag, a sleeve is an acceptable, if not ideal alternative. An idle hand is an unsightly hand. For this reason, a glove must not be used because it's shaped like a hand.
RULE NO. 2
Whilst operating a motor vehicle, drivers must always wear a top hat of the same color as the vehicle they are driving to assure the public that this vehicle does, indeed, belong to them. The top hat must always be made from a matte color as metallic colors reflect sunlight, resulting in glare and temporary blindness to other drivers. Temporary blindness causes death. For this reason, all vehicles will be painted with matte colors.
RULE NO. 3
One must never look an individual in the eye or address them by name unless they are already friends with the person they are addressing. Of course, this will make meeting people or conducting any kind of business next to impossible but it will also ensure that no one thinks they are being glared at or talked about in a disparaging way.
RULE NO. 5
Grooming or relieving oneself must take place during two designated blocks of time, at which the whole of the world will stop whatever they are doing and take care of their private business, simultaneously. This may prove inconvenient for people in certain time zones but for the sake of propriety, sacrifices must be made. An accident or emergency which does not occur during these times shall be considered an offense akin to hitting a small child.
RULE NO. 6
A female must never let her ability to reproduce be seen directly by a male. Her fertility should instead be implied, indirectly, with a series of semi-painful gestures and affectations. Any woman worth her weight in babies will wear a set of stilts, just tall enough to walk in (but hey, the higher the better! Right, guys? I mean, right?) to highlight the length of her legs. She must also never let her breasts be seen but instead wear a set of prosthetic breasts of roughly the same size (but hey, the bigger the better! Right guys? I mean right?) over her shirt.
RULE NO. 7
Public drunkenness shouldn't have to be tolerated by a civilized society. Therefore, every city block containing within it a drinking establishment shall be lined with woods for drunks to wander off into. These woods will be outfitted with several sheds containing cots, sleeping bags and buckets in which to vomit. It is, of course, up to the drunks to clean up after themselves in the morning.
If a person drinks to excess, they will be given a balloon to tie around their wrist. People on the streets who run across a drunk with a balloon are encouraged to herd the drunk in the direction of the woods by any means they see fit (prodding, screaming, tazers) until they eventually find their way. If a person feels threatened in the presence of a drunk, it is okay to ignore them, leaving the drunk to aimlessly wander the streets with a balloon tied to his wrist.
RULE NO. 8
All pants will be a universal size 6. This will not only guarantee an unlimited supply of pants but will discourage people from eating too much or too little. Taller people may find this to be problematic but to make it fair, all shirts will be an XXXL.
RULE NO. 9
If an argument escalates to a point of violence, it will be necessary for all spectators of the fight to assess the situation carefully. If the loser of this fight is in danger of long term harm, a person or persons should, of course, attempt a swift rescue. However, if no real harm comes to the loser, it is customary for spectators to form a giant pig pile on top of him/her until (s)he says "uncle" and promises to never embarrass themselves like that again.
RULE NO. 10
Sex before marriage is punishable by banishment to an island. An island full of people who like to get laid.
Well there you go! This concludes my first installment of "Social Conventions for a Far Away Planet". I hope it provides a good basis for a culture to thrive on in the long term. I'll be spending every spare moment thinking of ways I can improve the lives of all of these good people. I want them to succeed where perhaps we have failed and take inspiration from our successes. Because I care about these people. I love them more than anything I have loved in my whole, entire life.
Obviously, every planet needs manners. Manners are what keep individuals from enjoying themselves so much that it becomes irritating to others, ultimately resulting in nuclear war. So, what I've gleaned from my existence here on this planet is that social conventions need to embody four major concepts: pretending that bodily functions are a myth, not being too comfortable, only becoming publicly intoxicated while others are too intoxicated themselves to notice, avoiding violence unless you are good at making it look cool. Oh, and we should probably make sex in all it's forms clandestine and shameful too. That's an important one.
I also threw a few rules that parallel some of our more nonsensical contributions like "don't eat with your elbows on the table", "don't drink alone" and "don't wear pajamas on an airplane" just to make sure this whole idea is realistic. I'm sure my planet has it's fair share of behavior policing, judgmental assholes inhabiting it. I mean it is my planet. So let's get on with it, shall we?
RULE NO. 1
Whilst dining, one must always cover the hand they are not using to hold an eating utensil with a bag. If one does not have a bag, a sleeve is an acceptable, if not ideal alternative. An idle hand is an unsightly hand. For this reason, a glove must not be used because it's shaped like a hand.
RULE NO. 2
Whilst operating a motor vehicle, drivers must always wear a top hat of the same color as the vehicle they are driving to assure the public that this vehicle does, indeed, belong to them. The top hat must always be made from a matte color as metallic colors reflect sunlight, resulting in glare and temporary blindness to other drivers. Temporary blindness causes death. For this reason, all vehicles will be painted with matte colors.
RULE NO. 3
One must never look an individual in the eye or address them by name unless they are already friends with the person they are addressing. Of course, this will make meeting people or conducting any kind of business next to impossible but it will also ensure that no one thinks they are being glared at or talked about in a disparaging way.
RULE NO. 5
Grooming or relieving oneself must take place during two designated blocks of time, at which the whole of the world will stop whatever they are doing and take care of their private business, simultaneously. This may prove inconvenient for people in certain time zones but for the sake of propriety, sacrifices must be made. An accident or emergency which does not occur during these times shall be considered an offense akin to hitting a small child.
RULE NO. 6
A female must never let her ability to reproduce be seen directly by a male. Her fertility should instead be implied, indirectly, with a series of semi-painful gestures and affectations. Any woman worth her weight in babies will wear a set of stilts, just tall enough to walk in (but hey, the higher the better! Right, guys? I mean, right?) to highlight the length of her legs. She must also never let her breasts be seen but instead wear a set of prosthetic breasts of roughly the same size (but hey, the bigger the better! Right guys? I mean right?) over her shirt.
RULE NO. 7
Public drunkenness shouldn't have to be tolerated by a civilized society. Therefore, every city block containing within it a drinking establishment shall be lined with woods for drunks to wander off into. These woods will be outfitted with several sheds containing cots, sleeping bags and buckets in which to vomit. It is, of course, up to the drunks to clean up after themselves in the morning.
If a person drinks to excess, they will be given a balloon to tie around their wrist. People on the streets who run across a drunk with a balloon are encouraged to herd the drunk in the direction of the woods by any means they see fit (prodding, screaming, tazers) until they eventually find their way. If a person feels threatened in the presence of a drunk, it is okay to ignore them, leaving the drunk to aimlessly wander the streets with a balloon tied to his wrist.
RULE NO. 8
All pants will be a universal size 6. This will not only guarantee an unlimited supply of pants but will discourage people from eating too much or too little. Taller people may find this to be problematic but to make it fair, all shirts will be an XXXL.
RULE NO. 9
If an argument escalates to a point of violence, it will be necessary for all spectators of the fight to assess the situation carefully. If the loser of this fight is in danger of long term harm, a person or persons should, of course, attempt a swift rescue. However, if no real harm comes to the loser, it is customary for spectators to form a giant pig pile on top of him/her until (s)he says "uncle" and promises to never embarrass themselves like that again.
RULE NO. 10
Sex before marriage is punishable by banishment to an island. An island full of people who like to get laid.
Well there you go! This concludes my first installment of "Social Conventions for a Far Away Planet". I hope it provides a good basis for a culture to thrive on in the long term. I'll be spending every spare moment thinking of ways I can improve the lives of all of these good people. I want them to succeed where perhaps we have failed and take inspiration from our successes. Because I care about these people. I love them more than anything I have loved in my whole, entire life.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Survival Tips for Solitary Confinement
1) If you can get your hands on any kind of writing material (use your own blood if you have to) draw little dials and screens all over the place and pretend you're an astronaut on a really important solo mission to save the world. That's basically all being an astronaut is anyway. If you were put in there because you're crazy, this is an excellent way to occupy your time because you'll most likely convince yourself that it's all true.
2.) Press your fists against your eyes while they're closed. Trust me, it's like a free high. You see all kinds of sparkly, weird shit and you can do it for hours. It's probably bad for your eyes but obviously, your eyes are the least of your problems, friend.
3.) Prepare your "YOU did this to MEEEEEE!!" speech for your parents. Refer to the Ralphie, "soap.....POISONING!" speech from A Christmas Story for your inspiration. Practice it every day. Perfect it. Have a back up person to deliver it to just in case you already killed your parents. Obviously several people along the line failed you and that's why you, in turn, are such a blight on society that you can't even be roomies with muderers. Think of the satisfaction passing the buck to these people will give you. It will happen, and it will be orgasmic.
4.) Make up your very own martial art. You will, of course, have no frame of reference or a sparring partner to determine whether or not this fighting style works but it sounds pretty fun, right? And you'll probably look kind of sexy doing it. Try it on one of the guards when you get out. You might actually escape!
5.) Practice your multiplication tables. Who knows? You may get out some day and if you do, it couldn't hurt to have some kind of edge on the rest of your peers. Isn't it something like half the country that can't do basic math? I'm not really sure about the numbers because I have no idea how one figures that out but half sounds like an impressive enough number to use in this post.
Wow! Look at you, busy bee! I'm kinda jealous of all the fun you're having. You're going to be such a well rounded individual when this is all over that we probably won't even know what to do with you. Shoot, you may even get lucky and end up right back in the hole again!! The Fun Hole!! Have a great day, stay alert and see ya soon! Probably not!
2.) Press your fists against your eyes while they're closed. Trust me, it's like a free high. You see all kinds of sparkly, weird shit and you can do it for hours. It's probably bad for your eyes but obviously, your eyes are the least of your problems, friend.
3.) Prepare your "YOU did this to MEEEEEE!!" speech for your parents. Refer to the Ralphie, "soap.....POISONING!" speech from A Christmas Story for your inspiration. Practice it every day. Perfect it. Have a back up person to deliver it to just in case you already killed your parents. Obviously several people along the line failed you and that's why you, in turn, are such a blight on society that you can't even be roomies with muderers. Think of the satisfaction passing the buck to these people will give you. It will happen, and it will be orgasmic.
4.) Make up your very own martial art. You will, of course, have no frame of reference or a sparring partner to determine whether or not this fighting style works but it sounds pretty fun, right? And you'll probably look kind of sexy doing it. Try it on one of the guards when you get out. You might actually escape!
5.) Practice your multiplication tables. Who knows? You may get out some day and if you do, it couldn't hurt to have some kind of edge on the rest of your peers. Isn't it something like half the country that can't do basic math? I'm not really sure about the numbers because I have no idea how one figures that out but half sounds like an impressive enough number to use in this post.
Wow! Look at you, busy bee! I'm kinda jealous of all the fun you're having. You're going to be such a well rounded individual when this is all over that we probably won't even know what to do with you. Shoot, you may even get lucky and end up right back in the hole again!! The Fun Hole!! Have a great day, stay alert and see ya soon! Probably not!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Afghans Aren't Really Very Comfortable. We Just Wish They Were.
Neither are wool sweaters. They're very scratchy. They're also inconvenient because if you get too hot, you have to take them off, which involves lifting them over your head and dealing with static cling, the single dumbest thing physics ever invented (at least as it applies to sweaters and things that are made of wool).
We just like things that are old-timey and quaint even if they're kind of strange. Like marmalade, which tastes like a Yankee Candle. Bonfires, which sting your eyes and make you smell like bologna. Blue cheese, which is not only redundant because it's rotten milk that's even more rotten but really not that tasty until you eat it enough times to convince yourself that you like it. That seems to me more like submission to societal pressure (because it's in EVERYTHING on the menu at Red Robin) than a genuine preference.
I'm assuming this instinct serves a higher purpose, perhaps preventing us from just shoveling donuts, ice-cream and french fries into our faces without remorse. It may even apply to exercising and not just wearing sweat pants all the time but I'm not really sure. All I know is that we like to create tiny little hurdles for ourselves every single day in the funniest ways and we usually do it with stuff. And booze. And hot sauce.
I'm sitting here on my laptop all wrapped up in the afghan that my Great Grandpa made for me and just the sheer impressiveness of it's existence, the fact that someone made something so pretty at the age of ninety with his bare hands makes it comfortable, even though it's not. Maybe that's the reason we like weird things; we're impressed that they can be fun even though they're a bit of a pain in the ass. Or maybe it's because we feel as though these things are challenging us to like them and by rising to that challenge, we're proving that we're tough and kind of classy. It just cracks me up that the same basic function that motivates me to want to eat truffled mac n' cheese and strawberry rhubarb pie is what, when pushed to it's darker extreme, also motivates people to binge on crystal meth. And finally, when pushed to the loftiest peak of ridiculousness, forces a person to drink another person's pee.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'm really glad that I don't want to drink another person's pee, or even my pee. Itchy old afghans and root beer candy totally do the trick for me.
We just like things that are old-timey and quaint even if they're kind of strange. Like marmalade, which tastes like a Yankee Candle. Bonfires, which sting your eyes and make you smell like bologna. Blue cheese, which is not only redundant because it's rotten milk that's even more rotten but really not that tasty until you eat it enough times to convince yourself that you like it. That seems to me more like submission to societal pressure (because it's in EVERYTHING on the menu at Red Robin) than a genuine preference.
I'm assuming this instinct serves a higher purpose, perhaps preventing us from just shoveling donuts, ice-cream and french fries into our faces without remorse. It may even apply to exercising and not just wearing sweat pants all the time but I'm not really sure. All I know is that we like to create tiny little hurdles for ourselves every single day in the funniest ways and we usually do it with stuff. And booze. And hot sauce.
I'm sitting here on my laptop all wrapped up in the afghan that my Great Grandpa made for me and just the sheer impressiveness of it's existence, the fact that someone made something so pretty at the age of ninety with his bare hands makes it comfortable, even though it's not. Maybe that's the reason we like weird things; we're impressed that they can be fun even though they're a bit of a pain in the ass. Or maybe it's because we feel as though these things are challenging us to like them and by rising to that challenge, we're proving that we're tough and kind of classy. It just cracks me up that the same basic function that motivates me to want to eat truffled mac n' cheese and strawberry rhubarb pie is what, when pushed to it's darker extreme, also motivates people to binge on crystal meth. And finally, when pushed to the loftiest peak of ridiculousness, forces a person to drink another person's pee.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'm really glad that I don't want to drink another person's pee, or even my pee. Itchy old afghans and root beer candy totally do the trick for me.
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