Social Conventions for a Far Away Planet

I woke up stupidly early today so I decided to while the hours away by inventing a planet. This planet may or may not exist but hey, guess what? Thanks to the whole super scientific concept of infinity, BLAM! My planet totally does exist! So deal with that.

Obviously, every planet needs manners. Manners are what keep individuals from enjoying themselves so much that it becomes irritating to others, ultimately resulting in nuclear war. So, what I've gleaned from my existence here on this planet is that social conventions need to embody four major concepts: pretending that bodily functions are a myth, not being too comfortable, only becoming publicly intoxicated while others are too intoxicated themselves to notice, avoiding violence unless you are good at making it look cool. Oh, and we should probably make sex in all it's forms clandestine and shameful too. That's an important one.

I also threw a few rules that parallel some of our more nonsensical contributions like "don't eat with your elbows on the table", "don't drink alone" and "don't wear pajamas on an airplane" just to make sure this whole idea is realistic. I'm sure my planet has it's fair share of behavior policing, judgmental assholes inhabiting it. I mean it is my planet. So let's get on with it, shall we?

RULE NO. 1

Whilst dining, one must always cover the hand they are not using to hold an eating utensil with a bag. If one does not have a bag, a sleeve is an acceptable, if not ideal alternative. An idle hand is an unsightly hand. For this reason, a glove must not be used because it's shaped like a hand.

RULE NO. 2

Whilst operating a motor vehicle, drivers must always wear a top hat of the same color as the vehicle they are driving to assure the public that this vehicle does, indeed, belong to them. The top hat must always be made from a matte color as metallic colors reflect sunlight, resulting in glare and temporary blindness to other drivers. Temporary blindness causes death. For this reason, all vehicles will be painted with matte colors.

RULE NO. 3

One must never look an individual in the eye or address them by name unless they are already friends with the person they are addressing. Of course, this will make meeting people or conducting any kind of business next to impossible but it will also ensure that no one thinks they are being glared at or talked about in a disparaging way.

RULE NO. 5

Grooming or relieving oneself must take place during two designated blocks of time, at which the whole of the world will stop whatever they are doing and take care of their private business, simultaneously. This may prove inconvenient for people in certain time zones but for the sake of propriety, sacrifices must be made. An accident or emergency which does not occur during these times shall be considered an offense akin to hitting a small child.

RULE NO. 6

A female must never let her ability to reproduce be seen directly by a male. Her fertility should instead be implied, indirectly, with a series of semi-painful gestures and affectations. Any woman worth her weight in babies will wear a set of stilts, just tall enough to walk in (but hey, the higher the better! Right, guys? I mean, right?) to highlight the length of her legs. She must also never let her breasts be seen but instead wear a set of prosthetic breasts of roughly the same size (but hey, the bigger the better! Right guys? I mean right?) over her shirt.

RULE NO. 7

Public drunkenness shouldn't have to be tolerated by a civilized society. Therefore, every city block containing within it a drinking establishment shall be lined with woods for drunks to wander off into. These woods will be outfitted with several sheds containing cots, sleeping bags and buckets in which to vomit. It is, of course, up to the drunks to clean up after themselves in the morning.

If a person drinks to excess, they will be given a balloon to tie around their wrist. People on the streets who run across a drunk with a balloon are encouraged to herd the drunk in the direction of the woods by any means they see fit (prodding, screaming, tazers) until they eventually find their way. If a person feels threatened in the presence of a drunk, it is okay to ignore them, leaving the drunk to aimlessly wander the streets with a balloon tied to his wrist.

RULE NO. 8

All pants will be a universal size 6. This will not only guarantee an unlimited supply of pants but will discourage people from eating too much or too little. Taller people may find this to be problematic but to make it fair, all shirts will be an XXXL.

RULE NO. 9

If an argument escalates to a point of violence, it will be necessary for all spectators of the fight to assess the situation carefully. If the loser of this fight is in danger of long term harm, a person or persons should, of course, attempt a swift rescue. However, if no real harm comes to the loser, it is customary for spectators to form a giant pig pile on top of him/her until (s)he says "uncle" and promises to never embarrass themselves like that again.

RULE NO. 10

Sex before marriage is punishable by banishment to an island. An island full of people who like to get laid.


Well there you go! This concludes my first installment of "Social Conventions for a Far Away Planet". I hope it provides a good basis for a culture to thrive on in the long term. I'll be spending every spare moment thinking of ways I can improve the lives of all of these good people. I want them to succeed where perhaps we have failed and take inspiration from our successes. Because I care about these people. I love them more than anything I have loved in my whole, entire life.