Survival Tips for Solitary Confinement

1) If you can get your hands on any kind of writing material (use your own blood if you have to) draw little dials and screens all over the place and pretend you're an astronaut on a really important solo mission to save the world. That's basically all being an astronaut is anyway. If you were put in there because you're crazy, this is an excellent way to occupy your time because you'll most likely convince yourself that it's all true.

2.) Press your fists against your eyes while they're closed. Trust me, it's like a free high. You see all kinds of sparkly, weird shit and you can do it for hours. It's probably bad for your eyes but obviously, your eyes are the least of your problems, friend.

3.) Prepare your "YOU did this to MEEEEEE!!" speech for your parents. Refer to the Ralphie, "soap.....POISONING!" speech from A Christmas Story for your inspiration. Practice it every day. Perfect it. Have a back up person to deliver it to just in case you already killed your parents. Obviously several people along the line failed you and that's why you, in turn, are such a blight on society that you can't even be roomies with muderers. Think of the satisfaction passing the buck to these people will give you. It will happen, and it will be orgasmic.

4.) Make up your very own martial art. You will, of course, have no frame of reference or a sparring partner to determine whether or not this fighting style works but it sounds pretty fun, right? And you'll probably look kind of sexy doing it. Try it on one of the guards when you get out. You might actually escape!

5.) Practice your multiplication tables. Who knows? You may get out some day and if you do, it couldn't hurt to have some kind of edge on the rest of your peers. Isn't it something like half the country that can't do basic math? I'm not really sure about the numbers because I have no idea how one figures that out but half sounds like an impressive enough number to use in this post.

Wow! Look at you, busy bee! I'm kinda jealous of all the fun you're having. You're going to be such a well rounded individual when this is all over that we probably won't even know what to do with you. Shoot, you may even get lucky and end up right back in the hole again!! The Fun Hole!! Have a great day, stay alert and see ya soon! Probably not!