Stick This Science in Your Pipe and Smoke it, Yo!

Have you ever watched National Geographic's "Extreme Universe"? You should if you can take the heat! It's the equivalent of watching a bunch of sooper brilliant scientists throwing themselves a really bitchin' rave. There's a British narrator who is obviously the puppet master of the whole affair. He speaks about things like the Kuiper belt, cloud formations and solar winds in this darkly menacing yet smooth and sultry tone that would suggest that he's backing you up against a wall to just bang the sweet life out of you. For every 1.5 words he speaks, about twenty-five images vaguely related to the topic at hand flash across the screen. There's a lot of time lapse shots and white flashes and electronic music. It's totally extreme to the fuckin' max!

The best part of the show is the "scientists" part. They talk about hard science with confidence! There's never any of that sad business you see at parties where the one, solitary, way-too-smart-to-be-for-real dude tries to field drunken questions like "Why's the Sun so big?!" all night long. Poor guy. He's just trapped there in the kitchen, visibly scanning his painfully large brain, desperately searching for normal people words and pop culture comparisons miles beneath his wider understanding of the universe, all so that he can placate the questioner and make them go away.

It's like watching someone try to find a needle in the haystack of human stupidity. The explanation will almost surely boil down to something like a quote from Everybody Loves Raymond and a math equation with letters in it. That, along with a lot of ferocious gesturing and blinking as if to try to blink himself into another room, behind a plant where you can't find him. Nobody wins in that scenario. Your shallow curiosity is left unfulfilled and now the genius is uncomfortable.

But not these geniuses!! No way, bro! They deliver the goods in plain English with genuine enthusiasm and a demeanor that says "As soon as I'm done bringing you turds up to speed on wormholes, I'm goin' home and gettin' laid! That's right, I got some wormholes of my own to explore tonight. How do you like them apples?!" There's even some obese Kenny Rogers type character in a cowboy hat who demonstrates how strong the winds of Neptune are by sandblasting a raw chicken to bits! WOAH! Wind is some gnarly shit! The only thing that would make this show even cooler is if everybody wore sunglasses.

I don't even know if I'm really writing about this right now or if I'm in the middle of the longest seizure anyone has ever had. All I know is that it's 4:30 in the morning and last thing I remember seeing was Extreme Universe. That's how extreme it is, dudes. It's so fuckin' hostile, it scrambles your brain and makes sleeping not happen. Like ADHD on steroids wrapped in crystal meth. SCIENCE!!