Every new year is a gift. It's an opportunity to loose the shackles holding you to that brick wall of failure called "last year". It's a whole new world of possibility and promise of something you don't have but want really bad. Therefore it is important that you make that something attainable for yourself by embracing those qualities that make you who you are. This means acknowledging not only your strengths but your weaknesses, too. My weakness is my strength. It's an ability to get through life marginally unscathed by my shitty outlook on it. But who doesn't want to better themselves once an occasion to do so arises?
It is because of my wish to become a better person despite a total lack of interest in self improvement that I have tailored this year's resolutions to my horrible attitude, using non-committal language and reverse psychology. On myself. They look something like this:
"I should eat more cereal. I should ONLY eat cereal. Cereal is the Water of Life."
"Saving money is stupid. Who saves money?? What are you trying to save it from? A shark attack?"
"It isn't nice for parents to deprive their children of the magical feeling only saying the f word in public can give you. I should probably be the one to show those kids how it's done."
"Going to the gym is exactly like begging a staph infection to hop up onto your body and live there."
"I need a drink."
I think if I stick with whatever the hell these declarations are, I might somehow make something happen, sometime. Maybe. I don't know. It's not really up to me, is it? But good luck to you! I hope all of your New Years wishes come true and that you become the awesomest person you can possibly imagine yourself to be this year. You deserve it! Just make sure your New Years resolutions are in a language your more dickish side can understand so it doesn't feel left out of the process. Otherwise it might strike out when you least expect it!
Now get out there and have yourself a Happy New Year! I'm going back to bed.
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