Do you ever pull a pizza revenge? Probably not because you're an adult and you don't see food as a form of ammunition. But just in case you're curious, it's when you start your day with something really delicious and terrible for you, like biscuits and gravy and a bloody Mary. You're feeling all warm and happy, maybe a little tired but life is good. Lunch rolls around and you're all like "You know what you want, tummy?" and it's like "No! What?" and you go "A HOTDOG!!" and it's like "Hooray! You're a genius!"
You get on a bit of a roll...someone offers you a nice cookie or a slice of cake and you go "Hey, tummy. Is this cool?" and it's all like "Define cool." and you're like "Um, are you looking at this cookie? It's totally covered in pink frosting! That's the Webster's definition of cool." and it's like "Reeeeally?? You NEVER eat the ones with pink frosting! Does that mean I get to slave away on sugar and Crisco all afternoon, on top of all this mystery meat? I cant wait!"
Such negativity on the part of your stomach not only cuts through your enthusiasm like a hot knife but just plain hurts your feelings. You want to get back that best friends, you-and-me-against-the-world feeling the two of you shared not minutes before. So you eat only half of the cookie in an attempt to appease your stomach but course, by this time you've pissed it off and it doesn't appreciate any attempt at compromise. It's like that roommate who pretends to love partying until you try to host a party, at which point it starts bitching and moaning about having to work at 7 am and could you please throw away your own beer cans for once?
So it pitches a little tantrum which forces you to back off the snacks for a few hours but at this point, you're getting a bit resentful, yourself. Isn't this your life? Shouldn't you be able to eat whatever you want without your belly going AWOL? It's so unfair! You patiently wait for the tantrum to subside so you can get back to your super fun day and end it on a good note. You've got a pizza on the way and you don't want it to get cold!
An hour or so goes by. All seems calm on the battlefront and that pizza ain't getting any warmer so you hastily seize your moment. But no! It's too soon! You just walked into the eye of a perfect storm! What seemed like a past tense tantrum is now a super volcano of anger and mutiny! It's like you broke a battery in half and ate it.
"FUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOU!!" you scream to your stomach as you reach for slice after slice of pizza, gorging yourself until you don't even know where you are anymore. You can no longer hear the cries for mercy, for you are far, far away. "YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!" Eventually you pass out on the couch around 4 am. Like so many times before, you wake up feeling bloated, thirsty and alone. Sometimes the price of battle is too high. In the wise words of Dan Folgelberg, bearded songster of the '70s:
"Lessons learned are like
Bridges burned
You only need to cross them but once
Is the knowledge gained
Worth the price of the pain?
Are the spoils worth the cost of the hunt?"
If "the hunt" is pizza and the "the spoils" is your own body, then, no. Obviously no, they are not. Eat a salad.
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