Tomorrow, my very good friend, Rebekah, is flying me out to New Orleans for a few days. Though I've barely been able to contain my excitement and gratitude over the past few weeks I've been having a terrible time trying to ignore that stupid little voice in the back of my head that always says "You're totally gonna get mugged my a ghost!" every time I think about going to New Orleans. I know this won't happen, of course, because:
a) despite all of those TV shows that tell you that New Orleans is a cartoon land where ghost muggings happen, it's not.
b) even if it was, I'm sure the ghosts wouldn't use our same currency. Obviously, they'd use francs because all ghosts in New Orleans are french.
In the event that I'm wrong I have put a curse on each piece of currency I own, which will trap thieving spirits inside a snow globe of Delaware that I purchased at St. Vincent De Paul. This is a laborious, somewhat gross, definitely humiliating but potentially very useful curse to perform if you happen to be traveling anywhere largely populated by french ghosts.
Here is a list of materials you will need, should you wish to perform the curse:
-one jug of Eagle Brand Apple Cider Vinegar
-two small "Autumn Fruit" Yankee Jar Candles
-a bathtub full of holy water
-one stick of incense
-a bar of antibacterial soap
-one pair of quality running shoes
-a large, ceramic basin
-a towel
-The first step in executing this curse is to fill your ceramic basin with apple cider vinegar. Soak all of your money in the vinegar for one full day.
-Three hours after moonrise, carefully take the money out of the vinegar and place it on a paper towel. Pat dry. Set aside vinegar for later.
-Once this step is complete, light your candles and incense and place them on the edge of the bathtub.
-Next, and here is where it gets a bit unpleasant, dump remaining vinegar into your bathtub full of holy water. Jump in the tub and soak for twenty minutes. This very important step helps you to bond with your money and it's history. It might also help you to bond with hepatitis (most money's history is very, very filthy) but the holy water should at least somewhat protect you from that. Plus, I think vinegar kills germs or something.
-Get out of the tub and towel off.
-Lace up your running shoes and sprint around the block with no clothes on. All the while, try to think of a suitable object inside which to banish the ghosts (e.g. a VHS tape of the movie "Powder", a packet of Chex Mix, a copy of Reader's Digest, a stapler, an old picture of Hillary Clinton.)
-Try not to let the fact that you're naked and freezing break your concentration. It's very important that you focus on this object.
-Should you get back to the safety of your own home without being arrested, jump in the shower immediately and wash away the vinegar, hepatitis and shame with very hot water and anti-bacterial soap. Scrub hard.
-Curl up in a corner and cry for an hour.
Completing all of these steps to the letter should keep you safe from any and all ghost attacks involving money in New Orleans. It will not protect you from live muggers, actual french people or ghost attacks of any other nature. You will have to research these curses on your own. I can't recommend this precaution more highly because the sense of security you will feel as you stroll without a care down Bourbon Street is like a vacation of it's very own. Happy spending and safe travels!
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