Show Your Patriotism With a Public Coronary!

How long has it been since you've been witness to a really special adult tantrum? The kind where some dude gets up from the table at a crowded, four star restaurant and sweeps his arm across it, knocking gravy, wine and pasta all over everyone's clothes and faces? The whole 1960s, alcoholic dad tantrum. Every time I feel inspired to pull a maneuver like that, it's because I'm watching the news at home, by myself, so I never get a chance to carry it out. Not that I hang out in four star restaurants anyway, more like Burger King. So the sweepy arm motion would lean toward a much sadder end than a dramatic one. But at least it would be an opportunity to see a cheeseburger fly across the room which is never not a good thing.

We should probably all buckle up for a few of these in the near future. Personally, I couldn't be more pumped about it. Decades of political correctness has left a gaping, sucking hunger in the hearts of millions for something like a country wide bar brawl to erupt. I think I might even want to participate in it. People have been holding their asshole cards so very, very close to their chests for such a long time now that it's not always easy to see just how Lord of the Flies this country has become. I want to know what everyone is really all about! Let your secret racist flag fly! Say shit like "I care more about tax cuts for the rich than making sure the 9-11 first responders can, like, not slowly die and shit." or "Our health care system is perfectly fine the way it is!" Say that one to my face. Get it out in the open! It'll feel so good!

Take a cue from Fox News. Hypocritical, asinine sentiments seemingly pulled from the Mythical Land of Jehovah's Witness Heaven are given ample representation on that network every, single day. They even make neat little graphics and charts for those who can't grasp the complexity of statements like "Global warming is a myth." I dunno. I think that one kind of speaks for itself. But if those guys can do it and get the vast majority of the American viewing public to give them the high five, why can't we? What are we so scared of? Is it that the lazy, commie, socialist lefties are going to flood the landscape with their booze and tears or is it that the insanely rich tea partiers are going to get so drunk with power that they crash their yachts into each other in an attempt to escape the flood? Don't even worry about that! For to because of the gun-toting, mustachioed NRA weirdos have built underground bunkers, so at least they will survive to once again propagate the species. So, we're cool already. Go nuts!

The sooner we get all of this hateful bullshit out of our systems, the sooner we can all hug it out. I'm just sick of waiting for the inevitable food fight to happen. The longer you let that food sit there, the more rotten it will get and the whole issue of why we were throwing it in the first place will have to take a back seat to the fact that everybody is super grossed out and covered in E.coli. So, let's get to forgetting our manners and say what we really feel. Ready...set....Go shove your tax cuts up your precious, self interested asses! Wow, that was fun!! Now you!