The Raw, Healing Power of Sweatpants

You know that thing that always happens when you tell your friends and family that you haven't left the house or showered for a week? That thing where they whisper amongst themselves about it until concerned whispering escalates to a climax of judgey whisper yelling over a conference call your house, demanding that you explain yourself? Some people are a bit more generous and will say things like "Good for you!" or "You deserve it!", provided that you are ill or are genuinely suffering from exhaustion. As far as I know, there has never been a healthy person in written history who has gotten away with three or more weeks without a unanimous cry of "Gross!" from their entire community.

It seems as though some prejudices need to be dispelled here before things get out of hand. Clearly, a few people are drinking the anti-sweatpants Kool-Aid. Fear of sweatpants and what they represent hold so many of us hostage to stringent laundry schedules and stiff, belted work suits that people have forgotten what comfort feels like. Comfort often leads to more comfort. If one isn't careful, they might inadvertently hit the snooze button one too many times and miss work. For a week. And before you know it, BOOM! Their job has been given away to some energetic young buck from the other side of town, leaving one to wander the streets in their pajamas, searching for heroin and Funyuns.

But people need to see that this is not necessarily a punishment! No! It's an opportunity. One can never truly reap the total benefit of a pair of sweatpants in any period less than full month. So few people have ever been brave enough to test drive a pair out of the parking lot, much less take them for a scenic ride through Beauty Sleep Valley! It really is a wonderful valley and if people stop napping, it will disappear into nothingness just like Fantasia in the Never Ending Story.

It's important to start thinking of extended periods of R and R as horizontal meditation time. Time to formulate a rock solid plan for your triumphant return to the land of the living. Why do you think they call it "beauty sleep"? It's because when one endulges themselves a long and lustrous slumber, they burst forth onto the world, glimmering like a newly polished ruby! Razor sharp and creatively inspired through hours of quality television, they razzle and dazzle all they know with brilliant sounding pop culture references memorized over multiple viewings. Loss of muscle tissue will soon give way to a slim new figure and lack of sun exposure will keep your skin as pale and as the day you were born. You are ready for anything. That young buck who stole your job will drop to his knees at the sight of you, shielding his eyes from your blinding beauty and hand your job back to you inside a golden chalice. And you will say "I no longer need this job. I have laser eyes now." and walk away peacefully.

Take a lesson from our friend, the caterpillar: hard work and cooperation may help an ant contribute to it's greater, social good. Patience and cunning may help a spider capture it's prey but what caterpillar ever worked it's way into a set of totally fabulous rainbow wings with sparkles and dots that look like giant eyeballs?? I would hope that you know the answer to this question but just in case you don't, it didn't. It spun itself some rad silk pajamas and hung out in them for weeks upon weeks until the wings sprouted themselves. And then it flew around.

This same analogy applies to humans, just unfortunately not literally. You won't develop flying powers by lying around in your own filth for a month. But you will learn something about yourself. I have no idea what that is. It's your journey. So next time you get the urge to avoid the outside world for a really, really long time, give it a whirl! I dare you. Unemployment rates are at an astronomical high right now so if you tell everyone you got laid off, no one will suspect you of lying. But if you decide not to do it because you're better than that or whatever, could you please stop bad mouthing sweatpants? Cozy pants are not to blame for your inability to embrace life's more unconventional adventures!

And on that note, sweet dreams!! I just drank half a bottle of Ny-Quil!