Nothing Says 2011 Like a Zack Morris Haircut!

The nineties are back!! All of them, apparently. We have everything from the Kid n' Play Gumby cut to the clawbangs and shoulder pads to "Harem" pants (which is pretty much just Hammer pants with some letters changed around). Oh, glory beeee! I've been so much looking forward to ditching all of my tailored, fitted clothing in favor of styles more reminiscent of a beige set of curtains being birthed by a football player. Pleated, tapered slacks, here I come!

I really can't wait for it to get to this point though.






























Now, I'm no fortune teller but we can all see this in the horizon. It's okay! It will be an era of sexual safety. I can now walk down the street with confidence, no longer wondering which man amongst me is the rapist. Why? Because in the nineties, sluts dressed like sluts, normal women looked like asexual lumps, children wore old people clothes, and all men dressed like pedophiles! The men won't touch me in my matronly frocks and they won't want the kids in their geriatric uniforms either. You see? Everyone will be safe! Except for the sluts!!

Sooner or later we will get to a point where no one even bathes. It'll be like Paris during the Revolution only we'll all look like we raided our grandpa's Goodwill box in the garage and then crawled off to go nap under a log for month. I can't wait!! It all sounds so COMFORTABLE!! And no worries, if you absolutely have to jazz it up, you can shave most of your head except for one lock around which you can crochet embroidery thread with some bells on the end, OR if that's too edgy for you you, just go for a simple permanent wave.

You see, it's not so bad. You thought it was just going to be a lot of loud, floral prints, grey ponytails and bolo ties but it's really so much more! Now, head on down to Value Village, grab anything at all that you see (it really doesn't matter) and I'll see you all at the Celine Dion concert!! Don't forget to bring your Corn Nuts!

Jive Ass Turkey

I got you, Turkey!! You're dead. Suck on that! Oh, wait. You can't. Because you're dead! Oh, man. I feel kinda sleepy. Is that you, Turkey? That all you got? It's not so bad. It's pretty great, really.

You birds need to come up with a better way of defending yourselves than having beaks and being tender and tasty. Nothing's wrong with tasty. "Tender" is a bit of a bummer to say but it doesn't make you any less dead, Turkey. I'm puttin' you in my SOUP, Turkey! With CARROTS and CELERY!! They're dead too.

Tomorrow, get ready to meet Bread and Mayonnaise. They're not as dead as you yet but they will be once I eat 'em. Maybe I'll just drown you all in gravy. Gravy that I made outta you! You dumb, dead, delicious, can't even fly, bitch! GOBBLE, GOBBLE, BOK, BOK, BOK!!!



Happy Thanksgiving, Family, Friends and Loved Ones! xoxo

Pen vs. Sword

Let's just settle the argument now. You can't decapitate your mom with a pen, so sword clearly wins. However, it's not your every average Tom, Dick or Harry who has access to a sword, or even proper sword wielding skills. A pen is very elegant weapon and when coupled with a sharp mind and a really juvenile disposition, it can cause some lasting emotional damage. Not to mention property damage, which is more useful in some circumstances. Pens are small, light, legal anywhere you go and very difficult to have turned back on you, at least in the lethal sense. That is why no nerd should ever be caught without one.

First and foremost, pens can do this:

Unoriginal as it is evident of a huge problem with society in general but imagine the sequence of events once this ding-dong wakes up. I can already see you cracking a mean spirited smile. So, if a pen can do this, imagine all the other possibilities. Alright, fine! I will!!

THE FIVE POINT PALM EXPLODING PEN TRICK

Okay, I think we can agree that all teenagers are assholes. If you're reading this, and you happen to be a teenager, just think back on the events of the last three days. You probably only need to go back as far as day two before you reach an asshole moment so shut your petulant face for once and read on. This is useful info for you too. The next time some little shit mouths off to you, start drawing all over the palm of your hand with a permanent purple marker. Right when they get to the pinnacle of their tirade, probably making fun of you for writing all over your hand, put that hand on their shoulder and say "I understand." When they notice that you've ruined their favorite shirt (all of their shirts are their favorite shirt) and flip out, just break the marker in half so it explodes all over their face. It'll get on you too but you don't care because making a teenager cry is totally worth ruining a $20 shirt and getting pen on your face.

THE PRESCRIPTION CHANGING GAME

Say a coworker you don't like very much has a prescription for blood pressure medication. Say that coworker leaves their desk for a few minutes. Say you can think of a different medication for a different ailment that has almost the same name. Change a few of the letters on the prescription and viola! I know you're probably thinking that this can't possibly work, but I'm telling you it can! Have you ever seen a doctor's handwriting?? It's barely legible chicken scratch. And when the pharmacist gets to the part of the transaction where they ask if the person has taken the medication before, they will of course say "yes" because they will be thinking the pharmacist is referring to blood pressure medication. This trick is a classic amongst homicidal sociopaths everywhere. Or it should be. I don't really know.

BLACK OUT RETURN ADDRESSES

This one only works if you have access to your neighbor's mail. Whenever your most turdly neighbor is gone for the day, go through his mail and black out all of the return addresses on their bills. This is not a big deal over the course of a day but over a week or two, it becomes extremely time wasting and annoying. This trick will only be available to you for a month, tops, before the victim takes action but it's fun while it lasts. Just don't get caught.

DRAW ON PEOPLES' CARS

I believe this one is pretty self explanatory. Just don't get caught.

JUST DON'T GET CAUGHT

Here is a short list of things pens can do which rely on the aforementioned principal. They can:
-draw bunny ears on precious family photos.
-write the word "ass" on a person's hat when they're taking a nap so when they wake up, they'll be walking around wearing an ass hat.
-be dumped all over the floor by the hundreds so that a person who's chasing you falls down.
-be thrown into someone's laundry.
-be replaced by pens with no ink cartridges. Try this at a friend's house who has wronged you. Just replace every pen in their house with a dud while they're in the bathroom.
-you can throw them at your cat.

So you see, while not as lethal as a sword, a pen can pack a very subtle, yet explosive punch. The results may not be as immediate and bloody but when executed correctly, they are quite satisfying. If the situation warrants it, and you happen to have a sword on hand, reach for it and do your thing but just remember: if you own a sword, it's highly possible that you are just as much of a special needs case as the person you're going after with it. Possibly not but owning a pen just makes you normal. At least, apparently normal. And isn't appearing normal a weapon, in and of itself??

Think about it.

Napping as a Weapon

Is anything more hurtful than watching a someone's head hit the desk when you're only into minute 45 of an hour long story? I think not. Nearly always, polite embarrassment on the part of the audience will be followed with a range of applicable excuses such as, "Your voice is very soothing and it lulled me to sleep" or "I had meatloaf for lunch" or "I'm narcoleptic". The blame is then subconsciously shifted to you for not recognizing the audience's already fatigued state. This scenario is usually presented as accidental and it's impossible to prove it otherwise but I happen to believe that it is always done purposefully and with malice. And it's a brilliant move!





If a better way exists to say to someone "Oh my god, your stories are so EXQUISITELY boring that they make regular boredom feel like a hand job on a roller coaster.", without ever having to utter the words, I certainly can't think of one. And if you're able to cram a few genuine "Z"s in there without the storyteller noticing, you can reserve energy for the next round of stupid anecdotes you have to sit through. Eventually, people will become so skittish about rendering you comatose with their blathering that they will either instinctively wrap it up or they'll attempt to dazzle you with only the choicest cuts they have to offer. Or people will just stop talking to you. Any way you slice it, it's a win/win situation. Just always come prepared with a bullet proof excuse, a convincing sorry face and some tissue to wipe up the drool and you're good to go. Now go practice this trick on your most boring friend. Knock yourself dead!

Diffusing Tensions with the Majesty of Dance

You know what makes people happy? Boogieing. That's not a country in East Asia. It's a type of free form dancing. The kind you do when the beat gets so fierce, your feet have to move or you might just do something stupid. To boogie is to lose yourself in the rock n' roll, to surrender to the power of it's fist pumping might. It's literally selling your soul to the Devil. Don't worry about it, he'll probably just hock it for some coke and you can get it back next week.

If you haven't boogied yet, stop fighting; it will come for you and it will win. You will stand with your hands shoved into your pockets, looking like a lonely, sheepish asshole. Some desperate weirdo will see you as bait and force you onto the dance floor. Nervous energy along with years of pent up frustration will just explode into a sad orgasm of sweaty air punches and shoulder shaking. It'll be like that barn scene with Kevin Bacon in "Footloose" only not skilled. The key is to harness this power and use it to your advantage so it won't take advantage of you. You need to sign up for a jazz dancing class!

I know what you're thinking. "Jazz dancing is very, very awkward!"


"It has nothing to do with Jazz!"


"It's the whiter than a rice cake in a snowstorm!"


Well, you're not wrong. But the problem is that if you are old enough to read this and you don't know how to dance, it will never come to you naturally. You don't understand the basics! You don't know that the only numbers that exist in the world of dance are 5, 6, 7 and 8. You don't know that you have to brainwash yourself into believing that you're super toned and hot so you can shake what your mama actually gave you in front of a bunch of strangers. You don't have good posture! Okay, you might have good posture but your instructor will tell you that you don't and then touch you inappropriately to help you correct it.

The point is, it's too late for you to be cool. You're not cool. But you could be! You just have to wear an ill fitting leotard one day a week and hammer out a bunch of combinations to some awful song that was super popular four years ago. Once you get a feel for it, you can move on to sexier pastures, add your own flavor, go nuts! When a situation gets too real, or you're about to be called out for some bad behavior, just click play on your boom box and bust a move. When you're done, walk away with the music still playing. That's what I do. It's how I get out of everything.

People know I am not to be messed with. When they try I just circle them slowly, close enough so they can feel my breath. The moment confusion and fear replaces anger, I make my move, dancing with ferocious passion and strength until they eventually shrink away into the shadows. Ask anyone and they will tell you that I'm a legend around here. I'm untouchable! And I owe it all to my sweet, sweet kick split with a quarter turn and a step, ball-change.