Pen vs. Sword

Let's just settle the argument now. You can't decapitate your mom with a pen, so sword clearly wins. However, it's not your every average Tom, Dick or Harry who has access to a sword, or even proper sword wielding skills. A pen is very elegant weapon and when coupled with a sharp mind and a really juvenile disposition, it can cause some lasting emotional damage. Not to mention property damage, which is more useful in some circumstances. Pens are small, light, legal anywhere you go and very difficult to have turned back on you, at least in the lethal sense. That is why no nerd should ever be caught without one.

First and foremost, pens can do this:

Unoriginal as it is evident of a huge problem with society in general but imagine the sequence of events once this ding-dong wakes up. I can already see you cracking a mean spirited smile. So, if a pen can do this, imagine all the other possibilities. Alright, fine! I will!!

THE FIVE POINT PALM EXPLODING PEN TRICK

Okay, I think we can agree that all teenagers are assholes. If you're reading this, and you happen to be a teenager, just think back on the events of the last three days. You probably only need to go back as far as day two before you reach an asshole moment so shut your petulant face for once and read on. This is useful info for you too. The next time some little shit mouths off to you, start drawing all over the palm of your hand with a permanent purple marker. Right when they get to the pinnacle of their tirade, probably making fun of you for writing all over your hand, put that hand on their shoulder and say "I understand." When they notice that you've ruined their favorite shirt (all of their shirts are their favorite shirt) and flip out, just break the marker in half so it explodes all over their face. It'll get on you too but you don't care because making a teenager cry is totally worth ruining a $20 shirt and getting pen on your face.

THE PRESCRIPTION CHANGING GAME

Say a coworker you don't like very much has a prescription for blood pressure medication. Say that coworker leaves their desk for a few minutes. Say you can think of a different medication for a different ailment that has almost the same name. Change a few of the letters on the prescription and viola! I know you're probably thinking that this can't possibly work, but I'm telling you it can! Have you ever seen a doctor's handwriting?? It's barely legible chicken scratch. And when the pharmacist gets to the part of the transaction where they ask if the person has taken the medication before, they will of course say "yes" because they will be thinking the pharmacist is referring to blood pressure medication. This trick is a classic amongst homicidal sociopaths everywhere. Or it should be. I don't really know.

BLACK OUT RETURN ADDRESSES

This one only works if you have access to your neighbor's mail. Whenever your most turdly neighbor is gone for the day, go through his mail and black out all of the return addresses on their bills. This is not a big deal over the course of a day but over a week or two, it becomes extremely time wasting and annoying. This trick will only be available to you for a month, tops, before the victim takes action but it's fun while it lasts. Just don't get caught.

DRAW ON PEOPLES' CARS

I believe this one is pretty self explanatory. Just don't get caught.

JUST DON'T GET CAUGHT

Here is a short list of things pens can do which rely on the aforementioned principal. They can:
-draw bunny ears on precious family photos.
-write the word "ass" on a person's hat when they're taking a nap so when they wake up, they'll be walking around wearing an ass hat.
-be dumped all over the floor by the hundreds so that a person who's chasing you falls down.
-be thrown into someone's laundry.
-be replaced by pens with no ink cartridges. Try this at a friend's house who has wronged you. Just replace every pen in their house with a dud while they're in the bathroom.
-you can throw them at your cat.

So you see, while not as lethal as a sword, a pen can pack a very subtle, yet explosive punch. The results may not be as immediate and bloody but when executed correctly, they are quite satisfying. If the situation warrants it, and you happen to have a sword on hand, reach for it and do your thing but just remember: if you own a sword, it's highly possible that you are just as much of a special needs case as the person you're going after with it. Possibly not but owning a pen just makes you normal. At least, apparently normal. And isn't appearing normal a weapon, in and of itself??

Think about it.