Diffusing Tensions with the Majesty of Dance

You know what makes people happy? Boogieing. That's not a country in East Asia. It's a type of free form dancing. The kind you do when the beat gets so fierce, your feet have to move or you might just do something stupid. To boogie is to lose yourself in the rock n' roll, to surrender to the power of it's fist pumping might. It's literally selling your soul to the Devil. Don't worry about it, he'll probably just hock it for some coke and you can get it back next week.

If you haven't boogied yet, stop fighting; it will come for you and it will win. You will stand with your hands shoved into your pockets, looking like a lonely, sheepish asshole. Some desperate weirdo will see you as bait and force you onto the dance floor. Nervous energy along with years of pent up frustration will just explode into a sad orgasm of sweaty air punches and shoulder shaking. It'll be like that barn scene with Kevin Bacon in "Footloose" only not skilled. The key is to harness this power and use it to your advantage so it won't take advantage of you. You need to sign up for a jazz dancing class!

I know what you're thinking. "Jazz dancing is very, very awkward!"


"It has nothing to do with Jazz!"


"It's the whiter than a rice cake in a snowstorm!"


Well, you're not wrong. But the problem is that if you are old enough to read this and you don't know how to dance, it will never come to you naturally. You don't understand the basics! You don't know that the only numbers that exist in the world of dance are 5, 6, 7 and 8. You don't know that you have to brainwash yourself into believing that you're super toned and hot so you can shake what your mama actually gave you in front of a bunch of strangers. You don't have good posture! Okay, you might have good posture but your instructor will tell you that you don't and then touch you inappropriately to help you correct it.

The point is, it's too late for you to be cool. You're not cool. But you could be! You just have to wear an ill fitting leotard one day a week and hammer out a bunch of combinations to some awful song that was super popular four years ago. Once you get a feel for it, you can move on to sexier pastures, add your own flavor, go nuts! When a situation gets too real, or you're about to be called out for some bad behavior, just click play on your boom box and bust a move. When you're done, walk away with the music still playing. That's what I do. It's how I get out of everything.

People know I am not to be messed with. When they try I just circle them slowly, close enough so they can feel my breath. The moment confusion and fear replaces anger, I make my move, dancing with ferocious passion and strength until they eventually shrink away into the shadows. Ask anyone and they will tell you that I'm a legend around here. I'm untouchable! And I owe it all to my sweet, sweet kick split with a quarter turn and a step, ball-change.