Nothing Says 2011 Like a Zack Morris Haircut!

The nineties are back!! All of them, apparently. We have everything from the Kid n' Play Gumby cut to the clawbangs and shoulder pads to "Harem" pants (which is pretty much just Hammer pants with some letters changed around). Oh, glory beeee! I've been so much looking forward to ditching all of my tailored, fitted clothing in favor of styles more reminiscent of a beige set of curtains being birthed by a football player. Pleated, tapered slacks, here I come!

I really can't wait for it to get to this point though.






























Now, I'm no fortune teller but we can all see this in the horizon. It's okay! It will be an era of sexual safety. I can now walk down the street with confidence, no longer wondering which man amongst me is the rapist. Why? Because in the nineties, sluts dressed like sluts, normal women looked like asexual lumps, children wore old people clothes, and all men dressed like pedophiles! The men won't touch me in my matronly frocks and they won't want the kids in their geriatric uniforms either. You see? Everyone will be safe! Except for the sluts!!

Sooner or later we will get to a point where no one even bathes. It'll be like Paris during the Revolution only we'll all look like we raided our grandpa's Goodwill box in the garage and then crawled off to go nap under a log for month. I can't wait!! It all sounds so COMFORTABLE!! And no worries, if you absolutely have to jazz it up, you can shave most of your head except for one lock around which you can crochet embroidery thread with some bells on the end, OR if that's too edgy for you you, just go for a simple permanent wave.

You see, it's not so bad. You thought it was just going to be a lot of loud, floral prints, grey ponytails and bolo ties but it's really so much more! Now, head on down to Value Village, grab anything at all that you see (it really doesn't matter) and I'll see you all at the Celine Dion concert!! Don't forget to bring your Corn Nuts!